*This is an old blog. I wrote it down on paper about two months ago with all the intentions of posting it then, but never found time to put it in here.*
I've been reflecting on my life, as short as it has been so far, and have been thinking about the mistakes I've made. Some of them are small and I can laugh at them now, but some of them are really big mistakes.
Recently,as I've been praying and desiring to grow more, spiritually, there've been a few really big mistakes that continually rise to the surface of my mind. These are things that happened awhile back, and I know God's forgiven me , and maybe the people they've involved have forgotten about them altogether, or at least chosen to move on from them. You'd think that with God and them content with the way things've settled, my troubled mind would be able to find peace. Buuut...nohsuhchluck. The problem still lies in me. I can't forgive myself. Could that be the feeling of guilt and condemnation from the devil? Possibly. Whatever the cause of t hose feelings are, I just want them out. I don't want them anymore. In fact, I've never wanted them. So what better way to extinguish them than to address the situation head on?
About two months ago (four now), I had the opportunity to talk to a friend of mine and I carefully approached the subject which I knew could transition into what I was aiming at. I brought up the mistake I'd made and asked for that person's forgiveness. They shrugged it off and told me there was no wrong to forgive. They said it seriously. The peace I received from that was incredible. I don't know if coming to them in person and asking them face to face for their forgiveness has or will change or impact their life in any way, but I hope they're spared some grief later down the road. Since then, I've let the memory of that mistake go. I'll never forget about it, but it won't bother me anymore. I've received forgiveness from all sides: from God above, from my friend around me, and from myself within.
Very recently (About two months ago), I had another opportunity to talk to an individual in my life. Since I'd been freed from the guilt of the previous mistake, this was the heaviest burden I carried. I wrote this person a letter and was going to send it to them as soon as I could. However, I was in the middle of my prayer with my Mission family when I felt the urge to call the person. For several minutes, I rationalized and debated with myself. What if I didn't have the right words to say? What if they didn't remember what I was talking about? All the what if's.. I knew I wanted to do this. But did I need to go to these measures? Did I actually need to talk with this person? How much longer did I want to deal with this burden? This guilt was preventing me from getting as close to God as I wanted. Every time I would begin to get close to God, the same thought would always appear. "But you did this. You can't get close to God with that in your heart!" How much longer did I want to deal with this? "Why not get rid of it right now?" I thought. "Why wait any longer than I already have?" I stood up from my seat. That was the first step. I had taken it. I walked out of the room full of praying Mission students. I found a private place...and I made the call. I didn't know how to start off, but I prayed for the words and they came. I got a few sentences into my apology before I began choking back tears, but I forced the words to remain intelligible as I kept talking. And then I hung up. I sat down, cried, and thanked God. If He was anything less than perfect... But He Is.
I thought about the strongholds Satan has had in my life. His little castles that were once big fortresses: Strongholds of lying, lust, disobedience, selfishness, pride, and guilt. I imagined a foot sweeping in and making perfect, shoe-string contact with this final tower, sending it, and its prince flailing into the air and out of the picture. My picture. No..God's picture of me. I laughed aloud.
I felt like high-fiving God. :D
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