This is the attitude I've been trying to have. This is the mindset I need. It's been hard to keep trying to think this way, but that's because I've had the wrong perspective. There is no "try". In some situations, there's still a "try" and in the end you have "done" because you tried hard enough to get by. This time, there is only do or do not. I either DO...Or I do not succeed in doing. Listen to this. This says it all:
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Count it All Joy.... Count it All Joy...
I've been avoiding writing this. I've been manning up since things have become what they are..
It feels like we've broken up. I follow you on Facebook, eagerly awaiting the arrival of each new status. I smile at some, sigh deeply at others. I want to comment on each, I want to tell you my thoughts, but I feel like they're not welcome anymore. I look at each new picture you post of yourself and long to tell you how beautiful you are. I want you to know how attractive I find you. But I feel as though you're no longer mine to share that with anymore. I know it's not true. The reason I don't share more of these thoughts is because it will only increase this familiar longing that you are already plagued with.
I want to talk to you, I want to text you all day. I want to be next to you to listen to you and hug you on the bad days just as I want to be next to you to laugh with you and hold your hand on the good days. But I can't. I can't even talk to you. I know if we start talking, the knowledge of our future will quickly have me climbing over this wall we've put up out of obedience. We'll be right back where we were before I felt the tug to do what we've now done and put each other aside for the time being.
I have the strength to do this so long as I can avoid you. It's when I talk to you or read your posts that are in any way connected or relevant to me that I falter. The deep, sad sigh that erupts from my heart causes me to shudder. The sudden swell of my own emotions surprises me yet I'm not taken off guard at all because I know they're there. I keep them buried as much as I can, but they glint and glimmer under their paper thin curtain at the smallest signs of life and light from beyond their cover. They betray betray me while they betray themselves as they awake from their slight slumber.
I can't talk to you. I need to avoid you. I already can't avoid you completely. It's already hard enough. But I couldn't have it any easier because I can't stand to see any less of you. It's a torturous in-between and it weighs on me considerably every time these feelings are aroused. These are my honest, human thoughts. These are things from my lowly perspective.
However, His thoughts are higher than mine and His ways are not my own.
No part of me wants to conclude this on a hopeful note. I want, for once, to be completely miserable, without a hint of bright optimism to taint my dreary canvas.
But we are under His watchful eye. His plans are to prosper us, not to harm us. He desires to bless those who love Him and are quick to obey Him. There is hope while there is a promise, and there shall be a promise until death do us part.
It feels like we've broken up. I follow you on Facebook, eagerly awaiting the arrival of each new status. I smile at some, sigh deeply at others. I want to comment on each, I want to tell you my thoughts, but I feel like they're not welcome anymore. I look at each new picture you post of yourself and long to tell you how beautiful you are. I want you to know how attractive I find you. But I feel as though you're no longer mine to share that with anymore. I know it's not true. The reason I don't share more of these thoughts is because it will only increase this familiar longing that you are already plagued with.
I want to talk to you, I want to text you all day. I want to be next to you to listen to you and hug you on the bad days just as I want to be next to you to laugh with you and hold your hand on the good days. But I can't. I can't even talk to you. I know if we start talking, the knowledge of our future will quickly have me climbing over this wall we've put up out of obedience. We'll be right back where we were before I felt the tug to do what we've now done and put each other aside for the time being.
I have the strength to do this so long as I can avoid you. It's when I talk to you or read your posts that are in any way connected or relevant to me that I falter. The deep, sad sigh that erupts from my heart causes me to shudder. The sudden swell of my own emotions surprises me yet I'm not taken off guard at all because I know they're there. I keep them buried as much as I can, but they glint and glimmer under their paper thin curtain at the smallest signs of life and light from beyond their cover. They betray betray me while they betray themselves as they awake from their slight slumber.
I can't talk to you. I need to avoid you. I already can't avoid you completely. It's already hard enough. But I couldn't have it any easier because I can't stand to see any less of you. It's a torturous in-between and it weighs on me considerably every time these feelings are aroused. These are my honest, human thoughts. These are things from my lowly perspective.
However, His thoughts are higher than mine and His ways are not my own.
No part of me wants to conclude this on a hopeful note. I want, for once, to be completely miserable, without a hint of bright optimism to taint my dreary canvas.
But we are under His watchful eye. His plans are to prosper us, not to harm us. He desires to bless those who love Him and are quick to obey Him. There is hope while there is a promise, and there shall be a promise until death do us part.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Laying It Down
Man, I've had a lot of thoughts lately. However, I don't think it'd be fair to spill them all in just one post because it could potentially go on forever. My latest thoughts, unfortunately have been somewhat in the dumpish. Not horribly. But enough to draw that depressed "Sigh" from my burdened chest. My burdened chest, that's where I went wrong.
"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22
So long as I continue to hold on to the things I want closest to me, it's going to hurt more having to keep them at a distance. Imagine holding a 15 lbs weight. It's not so heavy holding it close to you, holding it tight against you. But when you're told to keep it a certain distance from your person, it becomes difficult. The further away from yourself you hold it, the more challenging it becomes to hold it up. Imagine that 15 lbs weight was something else, something you really cared about. In holding this object out in front of you, not only is it harder to uphold, but it also becomes more vulnerable as it remains suspended.
Sometimes it makes more sense to set the object down. It may be better for both you and whatever it is that you're looking after that's caught hold of your attention and affection.
Anyways, the song Use Somebody has been stuck in my mind this afternoon. Making April's cover of the song is somehow even more desperate sounding than the original song. I feel like I could really use somebody. I know I have Somebody to talk to. But there are so many times where I wish I could just lay all my cards out in front of someone and just allow my feelings to be naked.
You. Yes you. I can't talk to you. I am dying to talk to you. I can't. I know if you're there, any more than a little bit, things will be just as they have been before. They may not revert to what we've steered from on the outside, but inside of me, they will snap back like a tight rubber band. There's a lot more I could say, but all of that is only more details. You'll understand. You might not understand the reasons and details, but you understand the big picture.
As I've written this, a small pool of confidence has already began to build in me. I am more than a conqueror. World, if you have a problem with me, feel free to express it. If my life being a mess hasn't clued you in on anything yet, read this: I'm trusting God. Everything that I'm feeling doesn't have to be my problem. I only have to face it, I don't have to fight it. Everything that you have for me that could present a challenge or struggle in my life, leave it on my desk. My Boss will be making His rounds, He'll pick it up for me.
"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22
So long as I continue to hold on to the things I want closest to me, it's going to hurt more having to keep them at a distance. Imagine holding a 15 lbs weight. It's not so heavy holding it close to you, holding it tight against you. But when you're told to keep it a certain distance from your person, it becomes difficult. The further away from yourself you hold it, the more challenging it becomes to hold it up. Imagine that 15 lbs weight was something else, something you really cared about. In holding this object out in front of you, not only is it harder to uphold, but it also becomes more vulnerable as it remains suspended.
Sometimes it makes more sense to set the object down. It may be better for both you and whatever it is that you're looking after that's caught hold of your attention and affection.
Anyways, the song Use Somebody has been stuck in my mind this afternoon. Making April's cover of the song is somehow even more desperate sounding than the original song. I feel like I could really use somebody. I know I have Somebody to talk to. But there are so many times where I wish I could just lay all my cards out in front of someone and just allow my feelings to be naked.
You. Yes you. I can't talk to you. I am dying to talk to you. I can't. I know if you're there, any more than a little bit, things will be just as they have been before. They may not revert to what we've steered from on the outside, but inside of me, they will snap back like a tight rubber band. There's a lot more I could say, but all of that is only more details. You'll understand. You might not understand the reasons and details, but you understand the big picture.
As I've written this, a small pool of confidence has already began to build in me. I am more than a conqueror. World, if you have a problem with me, feel free to express it. If my life being a mess hasn't clued you in on anything yet, read this: I'm trusting God. Everything that I'm feeling doesn't have to be my problem. I only have to face it, I don't have to fight it. Everything that you have for me that could present a challenge or struggle in my life, leave it on my desk. My Boss will be making His rounds, He'll pick it up for me.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
God is Not a Man, God is Not a White Man.
Ok, so this wasn't the first time I've learned this, but it was definitely a great reminder..
I was in Ocean City this past week to help with Winterfest. One of the first mornings we were down there (I can't remember which because they are all very blurred together) we had a few hours to ourselves, so I went for a walk along the beach. In my wandering up and down the shore, I began to talk to God as I picked up a few shells here and there. I was amazed at the the detail of the shells. I've seen shells before in my life, plenty of them, but I'd never taken the time to marvel at their intricate patterns and unique forms. I was impressed that God would so carefully shape something so small and temporary. Then I looked out at the ocean. I looked as far as I could, past the lone jet-ski way out there, and tried to peek over the edge of the horizon to see further than the curve of the earth would let me. It's clearly impossible to do that, but it never stops me from trying. Looking out over such a vast and endless seeming body of water gave me an fantastic realization: God is big. I knew this already, but when I thought about it, that He formed this HUGE ocean in one breath, not even in a whole day! it made me realize that He's even bigger than I had been giving Him credit. How much bigger than the whole ocean must He be if He could make it from nothing in only a moment?
It made me feel really, really tiny walking next to Him on the beach.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
To Nineveh or Bust
God,
Am I being like Jonah? Am I running away from what you want me to do? Every so often I wonder if specific parts of my life should be where they are yet. They're good things, but am I supposed to have it in my life, to the degree that it's in my life, at this time? I'm really feeling some kind of way about a specific thing. Am I supposed to hold on to it now? Am I supposed to let go of it now? I feel like climbing a mountain and screaming to you, "What do you want me to do?!" "Why won't you speak to me?? Or lead me! Or give me any form of clear direction in any way that I can pinpoint without a doubt it comes from you!!!" I feel serious conviction. I've felt it before, but it's been smaller, so I thought it was only doubt. But this time when it hit, I wonder if it's actually conviction, from you.. Is it? I want to be in the right place. I want to do what you have for me to do. I will throw off anything and everything that hinders. That's the thing though! I don't feel hindered by this thing. But when I think about it, I feel, at the same time, that there's so much more out there. Like a bird with a string on it's leg. I feel like I can still fly. But there seems to be so much more height above me that I can't reach so long as this string holds me. The string feels to be slowly stretching, I believe if I never cut it, I'd be able to stretch it out a lot more over an expance of time, pulling and tugging at it. But how much higher could I fly if I cut the string now? Then, in flying against and within the incredible winds and clouds, I would become the strong man I need to become so that I could easily return to that string to lift it without effort. My hope would be, taht in returning, that string would've become a kite, ready to soar with me, but with so much less effort.
God, I just don't know what to do. But I do not want to forget that this is the most serious feeling I've felt in a long time. It's more than an urge. It's as though a huge force is shoving me from behind, towards the edge of a cliff. Something inside me just knows that I need to do it, I really need to, but I'm digging my heels in furously, all the while screaming desperately over my shoulder, "Are you sure?! Are you sure?!!" But, God, if it's what you desire me to do, I'll do it. Just please, oh, please, Let me know for sure you desire it. I know I always ask you for a sign. But this is huge. I'm begging you. Show me in some way that I may know for sure. I trust you in all things. I will trust you in this as well. All good things are from you and you desire your children to have the good things. You made them for our enjoyment, that we praise you with them. But some good things are for later. They won't necessarily spoil or be lost if taken now, but how much more growth can be acquired if you leave a fruit on a tree and let it ripen on the branch before picking it rather than picking it and waiting for it to ripen in your hand?
I trust you God.
Your uncertain/desperate/waiting/yearning son,
Nate
Am I being like Jonah? Am I running away from what you want me to do? Every so often I wonder if specific parts of my life should be where they are yet. They're good things, but am I supposed to have it in my life, to the degree that it's in my life, at this time? I'm really feeling some kind of way about a specific thing. Am I supposed to hold on to it now? Am I supposed to let go of it now? I feel like climbing a mountain and screaming to you, "What do you want me to do?!" "Why won't you speak to me?? Or lead me! Or give me any form of clear direction in any way that I can pinpoint without a doubt it comes from you!!!" I feel serious conviction. I've felt it before, but it's been smaller, so I thought it was only doubt. But this time when it hit, I wonder if it's actually conviction, from you.. Is it? I want to be in the right place. I want to do what you have for me to do. I will throw off anything and everything that hinders. That's the thing though! I don't feel hindered by this thing. But when I think about it, I feel, at the same time, that there's so much more out there. Like a bird with a string on it's leg. I feel like I can still fly. But there seems to be so much more height above me that I can't reach so long as this string holds me. The string feels to be slowly stretching, I believe if I never cut it, I'd be able to stretch it out a lot more over an expance of time, pulling and tugging at it. But how much higher could I fly if I cut the string now? Then, in flying against and within the incredible winds and clouds, I would become the strong man I need to become so that I could easily return to that string to lift it without effort. My hope would be, taht in returning, that string would've become a kite, ready to soar with me, but with so much less effort.
God, I just don't know what to do. But I do not want to forget that this is the most serious feeling I've felt in a long time. It's more than an urge. It's as though a huge force is shoving me from behind, towards the edge of a cliff. Something inside me just knows that I need to do it, I really need to, but I'm digging my heels in furously, all the while screaming desperately over my shoulder, "Are you sure?! Are you sure?!!" But, God, if it's what you desire me to do, I'll do it. Just please, oh, please, Let me know for sure you desire it. I know I always ask you for a sign. But this is huge. I'm begging you. Show me in some way that I may know for sure. I trust you in all things. I will trust you in this as well. All good things are from you and you desire your children to have the good things. You made them for our enjoyment, that we praise you with them. But some good things are for later. They won't necessarily spoil or be lost if taken now, but how much more growth can be acquired if you leave a fruit on a tree and let it ripen on the branch before picking it rather than picking it and waiting for it to ripen in your hand?
I trust you God.
Your uncertain/desperate/waiting/yearning son,
Nate
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