To Nineveh or Bust

God,

Am I being like Jonah? Am I running away from what you want me to do? Every so often I wonder if specific parts of my life should be where they are yet. They're good things, but am I supposed to have it in my life, to the degree that it's in my life, at this time? I'm really feeling some kind of way about a specific thing. Am I supposed to hold on to it now? Am I supposed to let go of it now? I feel like climbing a mountain and screaming to you, "What do you want me to do?!" "Why won't you speak to me?? Or lead me! Or give me any form of clear direction in any way that I can pinpoint without a doubt it comes from you!!!" I feel serious conviction. I've felt it before, but it's been smaller, so I thought it was only doubt. But this time when it hit, I wonder if it's actually conviction, from you.. Is it? I want to be in the right place. I want to do what you have for me to do. I will throw off anything and everything that hinders. That's the thing though! I don't feel hindered by this thing. But when I think about it, I feel, at the same time, that there's so much more out there. Like a bird with a string on it's leg. I feel like I can still fly. But there seems to be so much more height above me that I can't reach so long as this string holds me. The string feels to be slowly stretching, I believe if I never cut it, I'd be able to stretch it out a lot more over an expance of time, pulling and tugging at it. But how much higher could I fly if I cut the string now? Then, in flying against and within the incredible winds and clouds, I would become the strong man I need to become so that I could easily return to that string to lift it without effort. My hope would be, taht in returning, that string would've become a kite, ready to soar with me, but with so much less effort.

God, I just don't know what to do. But I do not want to forget that this is the most serious feeling I've felt in a long time. It's more than an urge. It's as though a huge force is shoving me from behind, towards the edge of a cliff. Something inside me just knows that I need to do it, I really need to, but I'm digging my heels in furously, all the while screaming desperately over my shoulder, "Are you sure?! Are you sure?!!" But, God, if it's what you desire me to do, I'll do it. Just please, oh, please, Let me know for sure you desire it. I know I always ask you for a sign. But this is huge. I'm begging you. Show me in some way that I may know for sure. I trust you in all things. I will trust you in this as well. All good things are from you and you desire your children to have the good things. You made them for our enjoyment, that we praise you with them. But some good things are for later. They won't necessarily spoil or be lost if taken now, but how much more growth can be acquired if you leave a fruit on a tree and let it ripen on the branch before picking it rather than picking it and waiting for it to ripen in your hand?

I trust you God.

Your uncertain/desperate/waiting/yearning son,

Nate