I started thinking way ahead in my future. About marriage. About who I would marry. About ministry. About the limitations that might be set on me because of my ministry. About the limitations that would be set on me because of my marriage.
I want to be like Joshua and John Coffey. I want to have the faith Peter had. I want to be able to work those miracles. I want to be like Jesus.
But Jesus wasn't married..And neither was Peter, or Joshua, or John Coffey. They each lived their single lives completely devoted and selflessly for God.
The only thing marriage would do to my ministry would be to limit me to who I see. As much as I'd like to, a married man cannot or should not spend all day at a bar or strip club, or with the druggies and crooks, or even just helping women in his church frequently without his wife around. Just as a married woman wouldn't be able to. Eventually the two married people will begin to question themselves and their spouses with thoughts like "are they really only ministering in that bar?" Or "What else is going on here?" Even if there is nothing going on behind the scenes, the stress that type of ministry presents to a married couple has potential to, in time, tear them apart.
As great a thing as marriage is, it seems as if it's almost a dividing of attention. Before, your attention was on God and only God. Now you're living for God, and supporting a wife. Isn't that distracting? I don't think it has to be. I hope it's not. Otherwise I may end up a ranger like Joshua was.. I believe, to a point that I would say I'm nearly positive, that if a couple, as individuals, are entirely devoted to God, and as a couple, they are just as focused on God, they will not stray from His plan.
I want to one day be wed to the most beautiful earthly bride ever. I want to be married. Not for sex. I do want a family. I do want blond-haired, blue-eyed little boys that I can teach to throw a baseball or shoot a basketball. I do want to have a little princess who looks at me like I'm the coziest, fuzziest teddy bear in the whole world. The main purpose of a marriage should be to make a single praise twice as loud, traveling twice as far, to make ten times the difference.
So there I was, driving more slowly than usual, going insane. I want be everything God wants me to be. I want to have faith enough to move a mountain, or to heal a sick child. I want to make a difference in an astonishing way, for Him. Then it just hit me. "Be still." "Be still and know that I am God." All the chaos inside my head just stopped. And I heard it again. I was thankful for that word. But it didn't stop my thinking completely.
I couldn't help thinking and thinking, but it was quieter, as if someone had pushed a damper pedal, and no matter how hard I pushed, it wouldn't get as loud as it had been.
I came home, hoping to finally talk to a friend of mine, but instead, as soon as I sat down at the computer, I felt like I was about to explode again, and I just had to get out of the house, into the open where it was thundering loudly.
I stood out in the middle of our open field on a big rock that's stuck out there in the middle, just as the rain was starting to fall. The lightning was brilliant, the thunder humbling, and the rain cold. As I prayed, all my thoughts came tumbling out and I felt like I was just rambling and hoping God was there listening because I was sure no one else would. Then a verse from Eclesiastes popped into my head. "Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few." (5:2) RIght then I shut up. I simply said, God if you want me to be married, give me some kind of sign. But, God, if you don't want me to be married, shock me with a lightning bolt right here, let me live, and I'll never marry and be solely devoted to you.
I didn't get hit by anything. Sure, you could say, well, half an hour isn't long enough to wait for God, or, maybe there was a metal tower too close to you that prevented it from hitting you. There's a million possibilities. Maybe I'll get hit tomorrow. That's not the point though. The poit is right there in Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
God has a plan for me. I just have to be still and wait for Him.
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still, O restless soul of mine
Bow before the Prince of peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still
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